Tuesday, December 2, 2008

......

I honestly don't know where to begin, at all. I'm not at a loss for words, it's more so I don't know what the right words are for how I am feeling right now.
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Sometimes when everything in your life is going right, a situation/person can throw everything off course for a bit. I have held my ground for quite some time now, and I'm actually proud of myself, as strange as that sounds. In the past I used to let every little thing effect me in some way or form. I used to be so concerned with every element in my life.. what people thought of me, what i said to others, the image i portrayed of myself, etc. But once I moved to this place called Nashville, things changed.. for the better. I no longer am so concerned, but I am human and of course I'm going to still be concerned to a certain extent. But I have been doing so well with everything, I couldn't be more content.. but today threw me off track.
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I knew something would happen today when I awoke. I had this strange feeling in my stomach, almost as if I was sick to my stomach, but I ignored it. I went to class, came home, layed around, and then decided I would go to Fido with Stephanie because I haven't seen her in so long. It was so nice to finally see her, talk to her, hug her. Loved it. But then suddenly the feeling proved me right.
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I had my head down at the table. I looked up at exactly the right (in my mind, wrong) time, and there was my reminder of someone who I had let go of a while ago. It was a man with a guitar. That may sound like every guy in Nashville, and you may wonder how that reminded me of someone.. but it was a man who knew the person that suddenly flashed across my mind when I saw him. He looked at me, turned around, and walked away. That is all it took to make me dazed. One look from a random person (that I don't even know personally), who knows the person I let go of, and my heart started to beat fast.. and faster, and faster.
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I couldn't speak for a moment, I just stared. And then all of a sudden that feeling in my stomach returned, but this time is was much more harsh. I was indeed sick to my stomach. When I was finally able to talk, I told Stephanie who that guy was, and why it bothered me so much to see him. She calmed me down a bit but not enough for me to feel okay with the reminder. I held back the tears.
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I felt and still feel stupid for letting someone remind me of another person that I honestly forgot about. It took me so long and so much effort to forget about this person, that the fact of me getting upset and so uncomfortable about a reminder of them, surprised me.
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And then I realized something, the person I let go of, just might be in Nashville tonight. In fact, I'm pretty positive that they are with that person that I saw at Fidos. And now I am sitting here with this flushed feeling and all of these emotions that hit me out of nowhere. All I can think about is how much this person hurt me, and how much I wish they never entered my life. But the funny thing is, I want to see that face that I used to think was beautiful, I want to speak to them, I want to hug them.. I know I shouldn't, but right now I can't seem to find the strength to not want.
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At times like these, which are somewhat rare now, thankfully because for years I was used to these feelings on a regular basis, I wish I could erase all people in my life who have hurt me from my memory. I realize this is part of being human, and I realize this happens to everyone in life. I just thought I was over this constant reminder, and obviously I am not. All I can do is wait for time to run it's course.
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Those who have been there from the start and stood next to me through everything and never stopped loving me, I can't begin to thank you enough. You are the people that make my life so wonderful.

1 comment:

brandon said...

*fido, not fido's.